Why Do I Let Other People, Ruin My Day ?

 

Who really gives me a headache?

Being Stress Free is the Answer

THE IDEA MAN, Yahoo! Contributor Network     I am going to write this backwards starting with today., Cancun Mexico is so beautiful it is hard to have a bad day, and since this is where I now live, my inspiration for this piece comes from three other sources, and all in the last 24 hours.

First, I had a conversation with a friend who complained of someone who always came late to a 12 step meeting and would then complain about people, places and things at the end of the meeting he had disrupted. This late arrival would allow no time for anyone to give a rebuttal statement to his complaints and my friend in turn, resents this, saying it could it could ruin the newcomers view of the purpose of the meeting. My first introduction to the collision effect of countering thought processes.

Secondly, I watched a movie called “Gossip.“ It told the story of some college students who wanted to spread a story about a student who supposedly raped another student. They were going to test out the theory that people change the facts when gossiping and what the end result would be. The prank turned out to be a fatal mistake when, once again, things did not turn out as assumed.

Finally, the third source of inspiration was yet another movie called “Creation” a BBC story about Charles Darwin. The message it told was not about a theory of evolution,“ but how people misunderstand, and misinterpret, new ideas that go against their belief systems and how easy it is to begin questioning personal, and others, perspectives.

Now I must go back to my stay at the Hanoi Hilton or, in my case, the Belize jail not too long ago. This was the inspiration for my non-best selling book “I Fired God” (do not worry, I hired a new one) and has turned out to be a literal, life changing event. Who would ever think being in one of the worst jails in the world would be one of the best thing that ever happened to me.

Why Do I Let Other People, Ruin My Day ?

A note to add….as I write this I sometimes rest my brain by doing something else. I watched “Ted” (A Ted Turner program) on my computer which has different public speakers from around the world who are not trying to sell anything, but do want to make a difference ion this globe.

On “TED“ these speakers were discussing China, and, yes, this will all come back to having a bad day. My first thought when listening to their discussion is that China is bad. Why? Is it because of the way I have been programmed, or is it the way that the media presents the facts? Maybe it is because of my how my friends view these situations? I don’t have the answer for these questions. But I am curious enough to take a look at what was said about the China viewpoint of a different culture, ours.

According to Martin Jacques, they teach their kids at an early age all about America, the good, the bad and the ugly. They understand us and, most likely, disagree with our way of life. But, at least they are informed and, as a result, they comprehend why we do some of what it is we do. We, on the other hand, especially our children, have no idea why China has such cultural differences. We are not taught about them and this leads to misunderstandings. A problem I had to learn how to resolve personally while in that belizean jail cell although I am  not a criminal.
OK, on to my bad day theory. Every time I have a problem with life it is often because someone else does not believe the same principles as me. So, If I want to live a problem-free life what should I do? Change something! This sounds so simple but it is, easier said then done. Give everyone the right to say, feel and do whatever they want? Even if they’re wrong, in my viewpoint, but keeping in mind just maybe they are right, not me? This might be difficult. But, when I do this, I give no chance to the birth of a resentment. I mean, lets face it , resentments (to re-feel) are not temporary, they can last a day, a week, a year or a lifetime.

So now I have discovered how not to create a resentment. Do I sit with my head in the sand being milk toast, keeping everything to myself? No, anger is good when done right, In fact, it is my way to dump something that is wrong. So how do I confront an issue without attacking? Do I not tell someone what to do? This is the toughest challenge to this simple solution. If I tell you what to do it sets up an auto-response. Naturally, you will defend your view because you think you are right, and we know where that will take us. So, if I can share what I would do, without attacking….this can work. 

Now the most important part of all this. What if the person does not respond to my view of the situation? How do I let it go? First, I am not God! If a friend is in pain and nothing I do helps them, that is all I can do. I have a choice to let their behavior mess up my happiness (why should I give them permission to make me have a bad day) or move on. I now refuse to go there, to their place of pain, anymore, it’s not worth it.

Sometimes we thrive on pain. But, this is not the way we were designed to live. The Dalai Lama said it best….”life is meant to be fun.“ Now, if were not, we have to change something. I no longer blame anyone or anything. That is my answer. Do I do it all the time? No, but I always try and every day is better than the day before. When I do not blame I do not have to forgive. Then resentments are not allowed into my “fun project.“ All my life I explained to people I was screwed up because my brain is not normal. I blamed it on my DNA, my parents, the Catholic church, drinking and using drugs, or whatever got in my way. No blame equals no pain and my prescription for pain was addiction.
So I have almost completed the circle of this story. The people who do things do things that piss me off can only do so if I am uninformed and I overreact. I learned how being on both sides of gossip can affect a life and that even the brilliant Charles Darwin doubted himself due to how others viewed him.

The moral of this story is……“Do Not Place Blame”, Peace and fun is guaranteed! I am, almost, totally stress fee.

Of all these major changes in my life. I give credit to two sources, Dr. Wayne Dyer and Jerry and Ester Hicks…..Abraham Hicks. These new views of life,changed me forever! I encourage you to check out their websites and look at some of the video clips. Every question I ever had, or will have is answered. The secrets, which are not, will be reveled to you.

JIM….“THE IDEA MAN”

Two Buddhist Monks were on a journey, one was a senior monk, the other a junior monk. During their journey they approached a raging river and on the river bank stood a young lady. She was clearly concerned about how she would get to the other…er side of the river without drowning.

The junior monk walked straight past her without giving it a thought and he crossed the river. The senior monk picked up the woman and carried her across the river. He placed her down, they parted ways with the woman and on they went with the journey.

As the journey went on, the senior monk could see some concern on the junior monk”s mind, he asked what was wrong. The junior monk replied, “how could you carry her like that? You know we can not touch women, it is against our way of life”. The senior monk answered, “I left the woman at the rivers edge a long way back, why are you still carrying her?
reference….
A Zen Buddhist Monk Story

Photographer: graur razvan ionut
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0176783/
http://creationthemovie.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Darwin
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/country_profiles/1211472.stm
http://www.ted.com/
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art41843.asp
http://www.dalailama.com/
https://cancunfun.wordpress.com/

Advertisements

Musings in Mexico….From “The Idea Man”

Did you ever notice how many expressions are nautical in nature?  “Two ships that pass in the night,“ which could explain my marriages.  “Any port in the storm,“ another possible explanation, and my personal favorite, “steady as she goes.“ That is the term that popped into my head last night while out and about here in Cancun.

Let me leave those hanging for now while I address what can, and often does, happen when one moves to a foreign country.  We gravitate towards others who speak our language, are familiar with our customs, and form friendships.  I believe I mentioned in an earlier piece how I might well have become friendly with both Captain Kirk and Naziesque wannabes just because they spoke English when I first arrived.  Politics and nerdiness can be put aside in the hopes of communicating in your native tongue.

However, if not already obvious by the above examples, sometimes those friendships can be damaging and unhealthy.   But, hell, other times they can be teeth grinding, fist forming, wanting blood to fly relationships too.  Let`s not sugar coat the issue.  There is a mistake often made that all foreigners will become friends once in another country if they live in close proximity to each other.  I am here today to dispel that myth once and for all.

Now, I must be careful since most of the types of people that I disagree with tend to be way more interested in money and power than I ever will be.    Hence, lawsuits, living off of others` wages, and other forms of destruction can often revolve around those who crave such things.  And, the fact that I have little means little to people of that nature.  In other words, names, and a few facts may be changed a bit just so that I don`t assist yet another attorney to buy a Mercedes.

I was out with a dear friend last night.  A good person who, unfortunately, doesn`t get out much, which means we wanted to be around pleasant people, have a reasonably good time and she would then head home early.  However, I tend to be opinionated, political, and possess what one old friend calls “a birth control personality.“  Again with the sugar coating?  I piss people off.  I piss them off and then do two things.  Will attempt to mend, with all the accompanying emotions of regret, guilt, whatever is appropriate, and then, if that fails, will forget to give a damn.  It is not that I don`t care, I do, I really do, until I don`t.

So there we were, in a setting of assumed friendliness, having few expectations other than a bit of pleasantries and, then,  I found myself facing a foe.  It was my fault really.  I had said something a month or so back that was quite misunderstood, I forgot to use simple words.  Not surprisingly, this person had retaliated with a bit of nastiness via email, and I, not to be outdone, and honestly a bit hurt, circulated that email.  How fun to play third graders when in our fifties?   But, fun always has a price and I paid last night.

My only regret?  The uncomfortable moment occurred while with someone who, as I`ve mentioned, does not have the opportunity to go out often.  My face held a plastic expression during this little moment in the sandbox, but inside my fists were ready and my imagination was all over the place.   The whole thing really is based purely on a misunderstanding, but I don`t care anymore and did not wish to ruin everyone`s evening by having a little fun, metaphorically speaking of course.  That was when the expression, “steady as she goes“ first popped into my head immediately followed by another voice screaming “just walk away you idiot.“  My thoughts are not always friendly either.

The moments passed, life went on, and my friend went home a little while later.  I have hopes that the experience did not scar her, but I have faith in her resilience.  But, since  it was Saturday evening, and still quite early,  I went to a casino with yet another friend and we had a great time.  Her ear wide grin and the look of pure joy on her face when her slot machine hit was the perfect antidote.  A couple of second glances from a few men helped patch my hurt ego as well.

 But, once back home, the situation that had occurred earlier was seldom far from my thoughts.  I made some coffee, although it was well past midnight,  and started to backpedal to try to figure out how this opponent and I had become “friendly“ in the first place.  The fact we no longer associate  is fine with me, but how did we ever connect when such obvious natural opponents in the wild.  It`s like those photos of a cat with a mouse on its head?   We were never meant to be more than bodies that happened to exist in the same general location.   That was when I realized that it was purely based on geographics.  We had both moved to Mexico.  Linguistically speaking, she had been a representation of “any port in the storm.“ 

From my rhetoric in these little blogs you can probably tell that I might have a bit of book smarts, but I would die on the streets in a New York minute.  My complete lack of intuition has led to many mistakes over the years.   I do not need to bore you with a lot of examples, but I will use one just to prove a sad point. 

 I married a man who was, apparently, recognized as gay by everyone including my roofer.  Immediately after this gentleman and I had exchanged vows we complicated issues even further and bought a home.  It was a lovely Victorian with a slate roof that required a bit of work.  We needed  someone with experience.  Jump now to a few years later, once in my own home that also had issues, I called that same roofing man to come over and take a look.  While standing in our driveway he turned and asked me if I minded if he asked me a question. “No,“ I said, “go ahead.“  The question pertained to my exhusband`s sexuality and the joke on campus became, and I quote, “even her roofer knew.“  Yep,  I have made a few mistakes.

However, whether here, or in the states, I have always tried to trust first and ask questions later, which can then make for amusing stories, but, during the event when my naiveté bites me in the ass, I`m not laughing.  I am left just rubbing my butt where the teeth marks are firmly implanted.  I am the one who is, proverbially speaking, often left holding the check, or turning the other cheek, depending upon your perspective.

Hence, my developed sense of the ability to no longer give a damn has been finely tuned.  Sometimes that person really is a ship that should just “pass in the night.“  Whether living in Mexico and seeking out others who speak my language, or meeting “friends“ on Face Book, I need to start becoming wary of others.  However, it saddens me that I am finally going to become what is necessary in these times in order to survive.  Resistance to cynicism will only lead to more pain.

So, I have determined that trust can no longer be given out freely, it has to be earned.  Gone are the innocent days of the literal sandbox when all one had to do was grab his toys and just go home when someone kicked sand in his face.  Now? I am not even going to bring my toys over until I know the person, and know him well.  ¡Salud!

About mexcelia

writer editor photographer traveler

Fun in the Sun

 FUN IN THE SUN
OK, we’re off and running. This blog will be all about living in Cancun on a low income, volunteering, finding low cost real estate, and just having fun in retirement. Thinking about retirement ? Plan ahead….a visit to paradise is a guarantee on stress relief.
Low cost flights make it possible to come down for lunch (but I suggest you stay a little longer and enjoy the beach and 80 degree weather all year)! I took a flight from Chicago to Cancun for $99 plus $60 tax one way. I signed up with American Airlines “guaranteed lowest price” plan. There are many bargain flights out their, so read the fine print. Cost of luggage adds to your flight cost. A.A. gives you one bag free. Airlines have different polices on international flights. Check the internet out for all kinds of bargains on rooms on the beach, some include free food and drinks. Some hotels offer low rates if you sit through their pitch on time shares. So use caution.
One question everyone has “Is it safe?” YES………it’s the safest city in all Mexico it is not a border town with all the drug cartel problems. In Cancun, tourism is a huge part of their economy and they do protect that.
So if you have any questions or suggestions please ask and I will tell. Go to my blog at Cancun Fun, one word cancunfun.wordpress.com/ No question will be to crazy so join the fun in the Sun. And remember “Live every day as if it’s your last because someday you will be right”……..JIM “The Idea Man”.

Hello world!

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage I hooked up the boat up to
the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife’s
back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is
terrible.”My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you
believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…

It’ almost working!

Since I’m  from the microwave generation (sounds better than being a baby boomer) that makes me feel old-er. This website stuff is a bit overwhelming to me. But do not fear, I don’t give up. On google it shows several cancunfun of which some are blank pages. So I bought bandaid’s  and am repairing it.
                  It’s 80 today in Cancun!   Jim…The Idea Man

Stories from Celia…..